


i find myself talking about a heaven that only exists when he looking at me

by ortodie



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Hickeys, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, he's really going through it, no beta we die like men, sleep deprived Spencer, too many space references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:53:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24587167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ortodie/pseuds/ortodie
Summary: he has faint track marks on his arm that are a few years old, and they ache along with his bones.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 22
Kudos: 159





	i find myself talking about a heaven that only exists when he looking at me

**Author's Note:**

> “before i met you, all i could see was a black hole.  
> now the nights are full of bright shining stars whispering your name into a constellation.”  
> ― giovannie de sadeleer

spencer shivered, hands shaking lightly as he brought them up to his eyes, rubbing them tiredly, the pressure almost painful. the rain hit his face softy, blurring his vision. his head rung, throat stinging excruciatingly, eyes blinking rapidly, praying to whoever would listen that it would subdue the screams echoing in the back of his skull as if it was a sick proverb, begging to be read and worshiped. 

he has faint track marks on his arm that are a few years old, and they ached along with his bones. they served as constant reminders of tobias hankel, and perhaps it made his heart ache along with the rest of him. 

there was still blood on his clothes from the case they just closed. they flew in late from new york, and he hadn't bothered to change. he hated this part of the job, and he carried every new memory with him. 

there were remnants of blood under his fingernails, forcing him to fight the urge to fidget with his hands, knowing even a mere glance at them would bring back the hauntingly devastating sound of an ambulance in the distance. 

_he couldn't save everyone._

he knew this. but it didn't cease his detestable thoughts, and certainly didn't make sleeping easier, rather fueling his nightmares. 

it was 2:41am and he stood idly in front of derek morgan's door. he had gotten in a cab earlier with the intent of going home, however when the driver asked for his address, he could simply not bring himself to tell him, mumbling the older mans address absentmindedly, the words falling quietly from his chapped lips as if they'd been said several times before. 

but he stood still, staring at door with half lidded eyes, like oblivion stares at the universe. an unidentified yearning blossomed deep in his chest. 

he couldn't bring himself to knock on the door, heart beating briskly, almost mimicking the rumble of the thunder. but he took comfort in the way the sky lit up for a moment, a reminder that he was alive.

he couldn't help but feel a little guilty, showing up unanticipated at his colleagues doorstep, but he was so tired, and subconsciously he knew he should not be alone. he didn't trust himself enough for that anyway, not tonight. 

a pale hand made its way to the door, knocking on it weakly, almost unsure. he flinched at the state of his hands, eyes blinking away the tears that threatened to form, the regret sitting in as he heard no noise come from the inside. his head hung lightly, exhaustion beginning to feel overwhelming. 

a few seconds passed before he heard the subtle noise of movement from the other side of the door, which he recognized as the click of a lamp being turned on, and the faint sound of footsteps getting louder. 

he ignored the way his throat closed up, unable to stop the compulsion to scratch at his own hands, letting out a breath he wasn’t aware he was even holding as he heard the sound of the lock turning. 

the first thing spencer processed was the now much brighter light emitting from the within the house, and his head rung with the familiar pain of his migraines. 

“ _reid?_ ”

he nearly melted in the pure solace of morgan’s voice, the way his name left his lips feeling almost biblical. it went out from his lips to spencer's ears, then down his spine, and settled in his chest, his heart beating along with his breath. 

"c-can you t-turn off the-" he spoke, voice barely above a whisper, eyes flickering to the lamp, remembering his sensitivity to light. 

he knew how he must look, blood stained clothes drenched by the rain, dark rings visibly heavy under his eyes, hands shaking with the recollection of earlier. 

but derek looked at him like he'd pick apart constellations and re-arrange them back at his very command. 

and spencer look at him like people looked at the moon.

"yeah, kid. come in." morgan's voice echoed lightly through his living room as he walked towards the lamp, shutting it off, the soft glow of the moonlight and the intervals of lighting that struck the sky illuminating the room. 

the younger man blinked drowsily, enveloping himself in the scent of the other. it was familiar, and it filled his lungs with such ease that he could feel it enter his bloodstream. 

" _you're soaked, baby._ " he spoke softly, audibly concerned for him. he didn't notice the way the last word slipped so smoothly from his lips, as if it took root and grew there. 

spencer wore a black cardigan with a white dress shirt under it, and morgan recognized the blood stain on it, being on scene when it happened. 

he didn't say anything. but his heart ached along with him. his eyes met his with uncertainty, as if he was asking for permission to get closer. 

their eyes met once again, and spencer didn't say a word, and he didn't need to. he let his gaze fall abruptly, veins pulsing with a need even he couldn't identify as the older man approached him. spencer didn't fail to acknowledge the way his eyes flickered with pure desideratum, and he swallowed roughly for it was nearly intoxicating.

" _gonna let me take care of you?_ " he mumbled, voice deep and so genuine that it nearly brought spencer to his knees. 

the younger nodded, hair falling over his eyes as morgan closed the gap between them, large hands reaching up to his tie, loosening it so delicately, as if he would break him, shatter him so cataclysmically, and when the warmth of his fingertips grazed his neck, feeling the way his adam's apple bobbed responsively, morgan felt full. 

"i'm gonna take these off, okay?" he said slowly, giving the other enough time to object if he wanted to. 

spencer nodded in response, appreciating the way morgan seeked his consent beforehand.

_he'd trust him with the universe._

and then his hands were back on him as tenderly as before, but they moved with purpose, like the way an artist worshiped at their canvas. he slipped the tie over his head, discarding it on the floor absentmindedly, along with his cardigan. however the moment derek's hands moved up to the first button of his shirt, his felt the flush spread on his cheeks at how intimate it was. 

it would have seemed that they had been dancing near the edge of intimacy for a couple years now. 

" _pretty_." was all that was murmured from the older man as his fingers danced amongst the buttons, undoing them with such ease that spencer couldn't help but think about why. 

he felt them retreat back up, and they trailed on his collarbone, his touch making him almost dizzy with the way it felt to be touched so chastely. 

a surge of lighting struck, brightening the room for a moment, and derek basked in the way his skin glowed.

derek morgan was not religious, but in that moment, he swore he saw the beginning of heaven in spencer's eyes. 

he was _beautiful_ , yes, undoubtedly a little broken, but _broken did not mean weak._

the touch suddenly stopped, and spencer nearly whined when the warmth he had grown accustomed to was cast aside, his glossy eyes hopelessly meeting derek's, his own hand reaching up to grip at his wrist weakly. 

" _it's okay, baby._ " he cooed, heart aching at the way the younger clinged onto his touch. he glanced at him reassuringly, "just gonna go get you some clean clothes to wear, hm?" 

"o-okay." spencer spoke, voice faltering as he let go of morgan's wrist, skin already aching for more attention. 

spencer watched attentively as morgan disappeared and came back swiftly under thirty seconds, carrying what seemed to be a white t-shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants. 

"might be a little too humid for the sweats, but check if they fit, pretty boy." his voice velvety and reassuring, spencer nodded once again, suddenly feeling extremely vulnerable, the chilly air sending a shiver up his spine, his skin reacting in goosebumps. 

he felt morgan's glare move down, more specifically at the way spencer's nails were digging into the palm of his hand, forming crescent moons on his palm. 

he placed the clothes on the nearest surface, and spencer looked at him questioningly.

" _come here._ " he said, voice too soft to be a command, but it still got spencer walking towards him obediently nonetheless, sleepy and pliant as derek took his hand, leading him to his bathroom with one of his arms thrown around the younger mans waist, supporting him as he walked. 

"do you want to take a bath?" derek asked, guiding spencer to the sink, letting go of his hand for a moment to grab an unopened box of lavender soap, he struggled for a moment, not bothering to turn on the light, the moonlight coming in from the cracked window surprisingly not leaving them in complete darkness. 

the rain still pattered against the window, the taps almost therapeutic. 

spencer nodded a quick no, knowing he was too exhausted to properly wash himself. 

morgan hummed, turning on the sink and making sure the water was luke-warm before grabbing both of spencer's hands and letting the water run on them before lathering them with soap, paying special attention the underneath of his nails as he tried his best to wash away the dried blood.

perhaps he may not be able to wash away his memories, but he will try. 

spencer has never been treated so kindly, closing his eyes, he let himself fall into the feeling of the atoms in his body gravitating towards him, as if the universe was granting him permission. 

his eyes fluttered open at the sound of the water stopping, the sweet smell of lavender now filling his senses, it was subtle, like the smell after rain. 

"all clean." he whispered, bringing spencer's hands up into his field of vision, fingers tracing where he had been digging into earlier, bringing one of his hands up to his lips, peppering little kisses on every individual knuckle, and spencer has never felt so safe. 

perhaps this was the moment in which they crossed the line of friendship, falling into something much more consequential, and spencer had to hold his breath as he swears he felt the stars align in his favor. 

they walked out of the bathroom quietly, but this time derek's hand held spencer's as if they had been molded together from the beginning of time. 

derek stopped by the couch once more, picking up the clothes he had previously placed down as he steered spencer in the direction of his bedroom, placing the clothes in his hand. 

he had been in here before, the younger acknowledged, but under different circumstances. he stumbled wearily, heart rate speeding up as he glanced over at morgan sitting on his bed, staring at him longingly and shameless, his eyes flickered down, avoiding his gaze, but he couldn't bring himself to tell him to stop. 

spencer finally pulled off his shirt completely, making sure to face his arms away from morgan, before slipping on morgan's clean white shirt. 

it was oversized on him--undeniably exposing his collarbones, and morgan fought the urge to kiss him all over, littering his skin in his love. 

his hands reached down shakily at his belt buckle, undoing it timidly, cheeks flushing from both the embarrassment and sleep derprivation. he slipped off his pants promptly, standing in a pair of black flannel boxer shorts as he tried to put on morgan's sweatpants. he heard a low chuckle as they refused to hug his waist, falling to the ground. 

" _cute_." morgan mumbled under his breath, eyes sparkling with such adoration that spencer was sure the stars felt it, and they burned, yearning for the experience. 

spencer ran his fingers through his hair, threading them through the stands, a habit he picked up over time.

" _come here._ " came the command again, but it was laced with something spencer could not recognize. he swallowed nervously, walking towards the older man. 

large hands found their way back around his waist, and spencer's brain nearly blanked out as he tried to process the next word that left his lips. 

" _can i touch you?_ " derek mumbled, afraid to shatter the trance that the two currently shared. 

spencer sobered up lightly, a whine escaping his throat. 

" _p-please_." 

with the confirmation, derek tapped his lap, smiling softly when the younger climbed hesitantly, complying to his advances. 

his hands moved under his shirt, iliciting a gasp from spencer as he leaned into the touch instinctively, head hanging back, exposing his neck subconsciously. his neck was covered in faint freckles that morgan had not noticed before because of the proximity, and once again, derek morgan was not religious, but he had never been so convinced of the existence of angels until now. 

he had been so jealous of the sun, for it witnessed him in the mornings, and had kissed his skin, leaving little marks that he wants to replace with his own. 

"you're _gorgeous_." he muttered, hands wrapping around his waist, reveling in the way he could hold him completely with his two hands. 

and the younger was responsive, arms wrapping around derek's neck as he shyly nuzzled his face into the crook of his neck, the intimacy proving to be a test to his vulnerability, but for once he was not fearful of letting go. 

he had found his own universe in the eyes of the other, and he swore he could see the beginning of a galaxy in his half-lidded eyes. 

spencer pulled away from the embrace, teary eyes overwhelmed with want. he leaned his forehead against derek's, tears threatening to escape his eyes, yet he made no movement to stop them.

" _t-thank you_." he sniffed, voice cracking, but he wasn't in pain, and his tears weren't crestfallen. _oh_ , he thought, and he knew the stars were jealous, nostalgic even as they burned for a connection like theirs. 

even the constellations begged to touch his skin, litter themselves across his body like he deserved, but his soul only belonged to him. 

and so he leaned in, closing the gap between them completely, initiating the greeting of their lips, something he wouldn't have done if it wasn't for the raw feeling overcoming him at that exact moment. 

he felt morgan's fingers thread into his hair, pulling on it slightly in an attempt to bring them even closer together, and spencer whimpered into his mouth, kissing back fervently, yet with a familiar softness that morgan could only correlate to him, and he reciprocated the gentleness while spencer ignored the excited burn in his stomach.

spencer was the first to pull away, breath coming out ragged as he tried to catch it, but morgan had already gripped his waist once again, flipping him on his back on his cotton sheets. 

" _d-derek_." he mewled, a breathy moan involuntarily leaving his lips as the older man's mouth was on his neck, placing kisses wherever he saw available skin, they moved back up to his face, kisses falling on his cheeks, and his jawline, even on the bridge of his nose, which made him gasp at the butterfly-like feeling, and derek swore he'd never heard a prettier sound. 

he repeated his name like a mantra, like a prayer, and derek would worship him like this forever. 

and spencer was so lost in the utter fondness of derek's lips on his chest, the feeling trailing down to his ribcage, sucking marks that would be new reminders that he was _here_ and _there_. perhaps he had been forged between the dip of his hips, for he has cleansed him with his entire being. 

spencer reid has faint track marks on his arm that are a few years old, and derek morgan is _kissing_ them. 

and perhaps he is not able to wash away his memories, but he will replace them with nicer ones. 

his kisses stream down to past his elbow, and down his wrist, they then finally reach his hand, and then his fingertips. 

_he couldn't save everyone, but now that he's been saved himself, he can try._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading until the end, friend. i hope you enjoyed. not sure if i'm gonna continue this but i will treasure this little piece of literature with all i am. 
> 
> this was supposed to be a drabble but i got caught up in it, so i thought i'd post. 
> 
> in light of the current events going down right now, please make sure to check this link if you haven't already to help donate and bring awareness to the black lives matter movement, thank you. <3
> 
> https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/#
> 
> feedback is very much appreciated, once again, thank you for reading.


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